Special Techniques
by feagalaxia
Summary: Ever wondered whether tennis techniques would be somehow hinting to the performers abilities in let’s say, ‘another area of expertise’? Probably not, but we did it for you. Various Pairings, Seigaku, Hyotei, Rikkai Dai. Random and absurd.


**DISCLAIMER:** don't own, don't sue.

**WARNING: this is as explicit as your own mind is. The rating is so high because one of the characters says 'fuck'. Now you're warned.**

**AN (read if you want to know what is going on): **In the fic I wrote this afternoon, Fuji wondered whether tennis techniques would be somehow hinting to the performers abilities in let's say, 'another area of expertise', and the plot bunny was just too tempting to let it go. So, my dear sister and I came up with this silly dialog sequence… Have a good laugh!

* * *

Atobe (Insight moment)

Jiroh (soft snoring)

Atobe: Ah, I see your weakness. There's no way you'll sleep through _**that**_.

* * *

Inui: there's 55 percent probability this will be the spot, Kaoru.

Kaidoh: fshh…

Inui: there's 62 percent probability this will be the spot, Kaoru.

Kaidoh: fshh…

Inui: there's 49 percent probability this will be the spot, Kaoru.

Kaidoh: fshh…

Inui: there's 86 percent probability I will come before finding the spot, Kaoru.

Kaidoh: FSHHH!!

Inui: Was that a boomerang snake? Well, impressive. I'll have to update my data. Ah, yes, Kaoru. There is a better probability of yourself finding your own spot than me.

Kaidoh: fshh…

Inui (effectively shutted up)

* * *

Tezuka (zero-shiki drop shot)

* * *

Choutarou: WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL!!

(Shishido will not be playing tennis for the next month)

* * *

Yuuta (super-rising, round 1)

* * *

Rokkakku (sea activities)

* * *

Oishi (pinpoint precision)

Eiji: NYA!!

Oishi (pinpoint precision)

Eiji: NYA!!

* * *

Rokkakku (see activities)

* * *

Kamio: I'm riding on the rhythm!

Shinji: No, Kamio, you're actually riding me. I had hoped you'd be able to realize it was me, and not the rhythm you were actually riding, but maybe I had hoped too much. Who's that rhythm, anyway, why are you talking about him in a moment like this? You should know you could hurt my feelings. And I am known for making my opponents hand's tired, if you get what I mean. Are you done? Well, that was fast.

* * *

Marui (licks whipped cream enthusiastically)

Jackal: well… you'll tell me when you're ready, right?

Marui (grabs cake from the fridge)

Jackal: I mean, if you're planning on getting ready sometime today…

Marui (grabs sugary milkshake)

Jackal: I know you need to charge your battery, but maybe you're overdoing it?

* * *

Yuuta (super-rising, round 2)

* * *

Guy whose name I can't be bothered to remember: CHANGE OVER!!

Partner: honestly, I don't know why you thought I'd want to fuck Pete Sampras.

* * *

Mizuki: My data can't be wrong!!

(insert name): trust me, it is.

Inui: ah, yes. Data on 'the spot' can be quite misleading…

(insert name, but the same one as before): what are you doing here!

Inui: I'd recommend a boomerang snake.

Mizuki: I can't believe my data was wrong!!

* * *

Oshitari: ah

Gakuto (lands on his arse, takes flight)

Oshitari: ah

Gakuto (lands on his arse, takes flight)

Oshitari: ah

Gakuto: I don't know why you insisted we had to do it on a stable (lands on his arse, takes flight)

Oshitari: Dirty setting. Ah.

* * *

Eiji (hanging from a lamp): NYA!!

Oishi (pinpoint precision)

Eiji (jumping on the bed): NYA!!

Oishi (pinpoint precision)

Eiji (twisted like a pretzel): NYA!!

Oishi (pinpoint precision)

* * *

Rokkakku (definitely see activities)

* * *

Akutsu jumps right. Then left. Then right. Then left. Then, you guessed it, right.

Taichi just looks from underneath.

Taichi: Desu?

* * *

Yuuta (super-rising, round 3)

* * *

WARNING: the next sequence may scar you for life

Ryuzaki-sensei

Banji

(WE DID WARN YOU)

* * *

Yuuta (undeterred, super-rising, round 4)

* * *

Tezuka (still zero-shiki drop shot)

* * *

Jackal: Okay, that's it (gets hold of whipped cream)

Marui (licks whipped cream enthusiastically)

Jackal: Aaaaaah! Much better!

* * *

Tezuka (no, really: zero-shiki drop shot)

* * *

Taka: BURNING BABY!!

Fuji (horseshoe eyes, cheerful smile)

* * *

Kirihara (smiles cutely, holds a bunny)

Partner (pinches bottom)

Kirihara (turns demon, kills partner and bunny)

* * *

Choutarou: WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL!!

(make that two months without tennis)

* * *

Oishi (pinpoint precision)

Eiji (sky diving): NYA!!

Oishi: Eiji, you'll get hurt… (still, pinpoint precision)

Eiji: NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Oishi: I love you

Eiji: I love you more

Oishi: No, I love you more

Eiji: I love you most!

Oishi: I love you mostest (kiss)

Eiji: Nyaaa… Oishi….

* * *

Rokkakku (back to sea activities)

* * *

Sanada: I'm losing my eyesight!

Yukimura: keep going…

Sanada: I'm losing my taste!

Yukimura: keep going…

Sanada: I'm losing my sense of tennis!!

Yukimura: ………..

Sanada: I'm sorry, that was just a turn-off.

* * *

Yuuta (super-rising, round 5)

* * *

Tachibana: Maybe you should try the Tezuka Zone?

Tezuka (totally zero-shiki drop shot)

* * *

Taka: OH, BABY!! GREAT-O!!

Fuji (Higuma Otoshi)

(that's something like a helicopter)

Taka: BURNING!!

Fuji (Hakugei)

(and _that_ puts Gakuto's acrobatics to shame)

Taka: YEAH!! COME OOOOOOON!!

Fuji (horseshoe eyes, cheerful smile)

* * *

Atsushi, Ryou: NO WAY!!

* * *

WARNING: you really should not read this sequence

Ryuzaki-sensei: why, Baaaanji!

(we warned you!)

* * *

Yuuta (super-rising, round 6)

* * *

Bane: why, why, woke up early today?

Davide: ….

Bane: is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Davide: ….

(Davide starts to understand why Bane thinks his puns are annoying)

* * *

Yuuta (super-rising, round 7)

* * *

Atobe (insight moment continued)

Jiroh: OH MY GOD; OH MY GOD; OH MY GOD!!

Atobe: be awed at ore-sama's prowess!!

Jiroh: _**OH. MY. GOD.**_

Atobe: that would be me. Ne, Kabaji?

Kabaji (somewhere in the vicinity): Usu.

Jiroh:

**OH**

**MY**

**GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!**

* * *

Oishi: I love you

Eiji: I love you too…

Oishi (pinpoint precision)

Rokkakku: NYA!!

* * *

Yuuta (super-rising, round 8)

* * *

Gakuto (lands on his arse, takes flight)

Oshitari : ah

Davide: I'm seeing the moons-sault (chuckles warmly)

Gakuto: we've got an audience (lands on his arse, takes flight)

Oshitari: Good. Ah.

* * *

Yagyuu (opens the door to a chic restaurant, takes Nioh's coat, holds the chair while he seats)

Nioh (somehow, disappointed)

* * *

Yuuta (super-rising, round 9)

* * *

Momo: Dunk….!!

Ryoma (samurai's eyes. Super-rising, Hyguma Otoshi, Tezuka Zone, Drive B, Moonsault, acrobatic play, Insight, licks whipped cream, holds the chair, WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL, burning data, Hakugei, super-rising again and boomerang snake, all of it with pinpoint precision)

(Ojii joins Rokkaku's see activities)

(actually, everyone joins see activities, because THAT.WAS.AMAZING)

(so, there's a huge crowd watching)

Momo: Oh my god? ('cause he can take on all of Ryoma's heart and soul, so he's not about to be hospitalized)

Ryoma: DRIVE A!!

Momo: Don't the samurai's eyes only work for things you've seen previously?

Ryoma: Mada mada dane…

* * *

End 1

* * *

Fea: So… did you like it?

Renji**: **I didn't.

Hada: I told you we should have put him somewhere…

Nioh: you put me somewhere and I didn't like it either

(Yagyuu takes it like a gentleman)

Eiji: I liked it!

Everyone: YOU WOULD!

Hada: well… is it time to beg for reviews, yet?

Ryoma (closing his eyes): that's a technique I don't want to learn.

Fea: Right… let's just finish with some unclosed business and let the readers decide for themselves, ok?

Hada: Okay…

Gakuto: and here I was about to tempt them with the promise of another moonsault…

(Crickets chirping in the background)

Hada: why are there crickets in the background?

Fuji: They're mine! (horseshoe eyes, cheerful smile)

(God knows what this man can do with a cricket army…)

* * *

Epilogue 1:

Yumiko: Yuuta? What is this magazine you're reading?

(Yuuta's super-rising turns zero-shiki drop shot)

* * *

Epilogue 2:

Choutarou (holding Shishido's hand): I'm so sorry, Shishido-senpai!

(Shishido is passed out and carried away in ambulance)

* * *

Epilogue 3:

Tachibana: does that zero-shiki drop shot mean you're not interested in me?

(Tezuka remains stoic)

(Tezuka turns to camera)

Tezuka: Use protection. Don't get careless.

Tachibana: Tezuka?

(Tezuka is NOT interested)

* * *

End 2

* * *


End file.
